Author: Modestu Ipangelwa
The Pain Of Antiquity
The strange Imagination and my Life's errors
There was a time when sorrow came upon my shoulders and pains of distress overwhelmed my life. I tried by all means to resist all tactics that the prince of darkness attempted to overshadow my life but with viscosity, he aims me down always. Out of my despair, I skeptically reasoned foolishly as if there was no any other person above everything that has the power to cope with me. Well, unforeseen occurrences can fall upon everyone's life. With time, I pondered upon my ridiculous thoughts that I had in mind, but my brain was revolving like it was in the motions as pendulum. My thoughts became unlimited, and only to find out in the end that I had an abnormal order of wicked ideas deep down inside of me. Woe, I accidentally screamed in silence and in solitude. Luckily, nobody could recognize my silence tears and my bitter sweet sorrow of my life.
My tears, involuntary came to wash my eyelids as apparently to bring me the relief but my life joked with it and all went in vanity. Consequently, my spirit got off my hands and I started to weep more bitterly which caused the regret because it brought shame in my life. I never seen a man with no feelings of holding himself when times of distress encounter. My life was full of miseries and anxieties was not an exception, depressing my soul, so I gave a quick glare in the condition of sheol. That was an unmistakably errors of decisions. I looked upon my days of expiration but they were very far even though I got no clue of what I was really up to.
Decisions in my life were composed and designed in series of branches each with my visualization leads off into hopelessness and eternal sleeping room gehenna. I'm puzzled up and I got lost even though my GPS pointed all of my human nature's extremities, just to mention a few, sorrow, tears, wickedness and despair... Hell I belonged and hades is my place of my restoration. Very soon not for long after my miscarriage as a man, I deactivated my sense of warning and I became unconscious and dismayed to see the consequences of my action there far away on the earth here. Control I lost and four earth terrains became reluctant; revolving on left but for it was opposite. This became to be a worse miscarriage from my childhood to the stage of my age where I'm standing today. The earth terrains were like a flight bouncing in the river bed and only to find out in the end that it was not a wild animal in the farm but me.
So, desperately I looked at myself, my form and I became so ugly, the event that was never been encountered by me. My mom's birth pain she had for me I felt instead. Out of my rage, I foolishly blamed her why, why she brought me in the world of calamity bearer, I'm not fit to be one, neither I thought I could. Well, I knew that I was not to appear as an oracle's stupidly lies, but well planned that is why I don't blame her for bringing me in. Only if I could go back, maybe I could find things for the better. If darkness could talk and if darkness could change into light than all unfolded confidentialities could be plainly seen and lightly revealed. I'm nothing but as naked as from birth. Well, it is hard to express my inner motives auditory but with tears and finger sensor upon plain paper is with ease. My friends maybe, they will be my high skyscrapers, the strong towers of my life, the solid foundation where I to lie my decisions but that philosophy is falsified.
I was shocked all the time because I was ashamed of myself. To live in solitude I longed but life of loneliness I hated. Every time that I'm with people my efforts are always going in vain. To live the way I approached life was good and weird because I loved to live the way I live my life. My psychology has been complicated as a result of me being orphaned while parents are living. How bad I have been and up to now I am? This is a stupid question that I never know the part of my tongue that has its originality. My soul is full of mistakes and all my decisions never got success, why the world is like this or I maybe I came to be a prey of it? It is so disappointing and tormenting to see my errors that I always commit and sometimes it brings me ideas of hopelessness. When will I do well, at work, at school and in general? Until now, I really don't know the presence of me in this world as from birth. I'm in the slavery of my errors and in the captivity of the way I do things. Sometimes I go beyond my rage but the result is always a miscarriage of a man.
When it comes to the way I do things, I'm always criticized as no one to appreciate me and even if I do well, my bad habit is regarded. I do mistakes, doesn't matter how easy is the thing I'm doing, I always have to do it in wrong way. I don't like to be this way and I'm trying to change but I don't know why I'm not changing, bad things have been clanged to my soul. Deep inside of me, I feel the pain that brings me depression always. I can laugh and smile, even though, my soul is paining. I don't know, maybe I'm having a heart of a girl because the heart that in me is very fragile and can be broken each and every time I'm waking up. Some people use to say that I'm tough but I don't know in what way. Sometimes I thinks that I was born prematurely and I came in this world as a result of coincidence. It is not healthy to think this way but that is the way I think. I don't know why I came to be a victim of prosecutors and a route of police navigation. I could close my eyes sometimes and think about who I am but the answers were always not satisfying.
If I happen to navigate with a route that came about as a result of anger in my mind, I never find an exit for me to escape and calm. I look good and but I wears the perfumes that is extremely emotional. I ails always, deep inside of me with the tears of yearning for goodness. I never let the day go off without disappointing someone or me with my mistakes. Someone can tell me something but not even a second then I forget but I never forget wicked ideas that are always my guest. I used to ask myself if everyone is like this but I don't know. Woe, when will I do well? Only if I reached perfectness? I know that my potter did not mold me this way but as my presence is in this world, who will rescue me and give me hope? On several occasions, I used to be hopeless to the point that I can think that I will no longer going to retrieve my hope.
I'm an ugly boy, being ashamed and as an embarrassment whenever I'm with people. I know that I'm having a high self-esteem and worthiness but this is not always a case. I never become angry but my rage is wild. I don't know why I'm like that, but I forgot to ask my grandparents if such a thing has been a genetic disorder. Simple and poor man as naked as I was during the time of my mom's gestation. Sometimes, I think I'm pregnant too, but the hope of giving birth is not associate with my mind's friends. I feels the pain's sensation going deep following my nerves till their ends. Errors and mistakes had formed a networks of questions in my brain and maybe that is a point why my thought resonates always.
Why I'm so ugly like this even though not physically? Thanks that I never buy a mirror in my life because it could have gone to worse. Because looking at myself would had reminded me even to the mistakes that I did but I forgave myself. I'm always hoping for the better but the outcome is always opposite of better and even weird. I love who I am but I hate who I am because nobody can understand who I am. When I commit an error, they laugh, they criticize me, they judge me, they look at me, and some they correct and sometimes, they don't care. I tried to learn upon my mistakes and I use to complete a lessons but in the examinations I fails. I never get anything in my errors' examinations
Comments
Post a Comment